


White Clouds Aren't Always Silver Lined

by hellaradholly



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Rating May Change, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-10-17 04:50:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10586784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellaradholly/pseuds/hellaradholly
Summary: Soulmates aren't really everything they're cut out to be. Especially when your soulmate so clearly hates you before they know who you are.





	1. Chapter 1

It’s not like Kei was very interested in the idea of soulmates to begin with. He only hoped to find someone eventually. He had hoped it was Yamaguchi when they first became friends but gave up on that possibility. Too much time had passed without his tattoo appearing and as much as he cared for Yamaguchi he didn’t think he could ever feel that way for the freckled teen.

He only hoped it was someone he could get along with.

As much as Kei liked to play the pessimist, he couldn’t help but hope for some sort of life partner. Even if it was just a green platonic tattoo he’d be happy to have someone around. Yamaguchi would constantly insist that they’d always be friends but Kei also didn’t want to drag him down. He deserved his own happiness.

It wasn’t really concerning to not meet his soulmate in middle school. Very few people actually did and the ones that did usually had some sort of sappy quote for their tattoo anyways. He wasn’t obsessive about checking for a tattoo like others either. Occasionally he’d check after getting out of the shower to see if he had one where there was bare skin.

Meeting a soulmate was never a big deal like television made it seem. The only thing that happened was the words would appear along with a color to denote the kind of love between the two (or more). It was rare for people to have their tattoo be easily visible anyways and most people didn’t notice there’s until later which wasn’t a huge problem because of the words themselves.

The words printed there were what usually told people who their soulmates were. They were a statement that would be said by them and had been determined to be a significant phrase that would represent the turning point in a relationship.

Everyone’s tattoos were colored as well, with a very rare few having them written in a black that represented a dead soulmate. Most of the time the colors were varying shades of red or even a color that represented the soulmate’s personality with a few exceptions like the aforementioned.

Understandably Kei was excited when he entered high school and a few weeks later spotted a dark blue tattoo that stood out against the pale skin of his left bicep. The excitement was quickly replaced with a cold feeling in his chest, like someone had just ripped something out when he read the words.

“I’d feel bad for anyone who has a person like you for their soulmate.”

He wished he could shake the feeling those words gave him but it felt as if something had been taken from him. He didn’t even know who it was but it was clear that even being friends wasn’t going to be an option.

Kei responded how he knew best and numbed the feeling to the best of his ability, letting himself run on autopilot for the next few days. Yamaguchi noticed but Kei just brushed them off. He did anything to avoid the turbulent emotions that were now brewing in the fresh wound those words caused.

Yamaguchi was a godsend and helped him keep things together more than anyone but the two of them would know. Kei always felt guilty that he relied so heavily on his only friend but was also grateful beyond words for his support.

Just seeing those words was tearing him apart inside. Hearing them was devastating.

The training camp days were long and hard but Kei was starting to feel a bit better about the words on his bicep. Holding onto the stray hope that maybe his soulmate was sarcastic or an asshole like he was.

Everyone from Karasuno was gathered in their shared sleeping quarters but hardly settled for the night. Instead the discussion had been steered towards the exact subject he was avoiding.

“Hey, Yamaguchi!” Hinata called out to the boy who happened to be seated beside Kei. “Do you have your tattoo yet? What does it say? Can we see it?”

Yamaguchi chuckled and nodded obligingly before shucking his shirt to reveal the pink script above his heart. The lettering itself was neat and curly but gave an obvious atmosphere of being timid.

“‘Thank you for always being so considerate of me, Tadashi’? That’s so cute!” Hinata gushed, “Do you think it’s a girl? She’s probably super cute!”

Kei couldn’t help the snort he gave at that. He was pretty sure he knew _exactly_ who Yamaguchi’s soulmate was and they were both going to be insufferably happy together and probably have ten dogs. The freckled teen never was subtle about looking at Yachi.

Sometimes Kei swore he’d go blind from the pure adoration on his face whenever he looked at her. It was painfully obvious and Kei was ready to push them into each other’s arms. He was looking forward to that realization.

Unfortunately his snickering directed Hinata’s attention over to himself.

“What about you Tsukishima? Do you even have one?”

“Tsukki doesn’t like to talk about it.” Of course Yamaguchi was defending him.

“I have one but I prefer to keep it personal. Whatever happens will happen.” Kei explained evenly, keeping his emotions from betraying his voice. At least he had practice and no he wasn’t bitter.

“That means you’ve met them though! Aren’t you a little curious?”

“I don’t know Hinata,” Kageyama spoke up from beside the redhead before looking at Kei, “I’d feel bad for anyone who has a person like you as their soulmate.”

The feeling was worse this time as Kei had to fight the rise of bile in his throat while Yamaguchi was thrown into a panic.

Swallowing hard Kei rose to his feet, keeping himself as stable as possible before fetching his headphones and making his way to the bathroom. Once there and verifying that he was indeed alone Kei locked the door before he let himself fall apart quietly, music streaming gently from his headphones.

People he was close with liked to tell him that someone would knock down his walls eventually but they made it sound like a fucking _delight_. Not painful to the point of wanting to vomit and just die already.

Of course Kageyama had to be his soulmate. Just another cosmic joke on Tsukishima Kei because what isn’t funny about depression.

Kageyama was such an idiot too. He probably had no idea what just happened and hopefully Kei could keep it that way. Maybe keep things from getting worse if he just cut out his own tongue. He’d either be unable to speak or bleed to death but either way the truth would die with him.

If things were normal he’d probably berate himself for being dramatic but it wasn’t normal. Fuck, at this point he should have “this is not normal” tattooed on him instead. The media could get fucked with their perfect and lovely soulmate bullshit.

For now he was content to let it all out while curled up on the bathroom floor with his headphones on, among the pieces of himself. He’d reassemble later, more cautious and better equipped.

Right now he was just going to let himself fall apart.


	2. Chapter 2

Tobio was faced with a panicking Yamaguchi and shocked Hinata once Tsukishima left their sleeping quarters. Hinata, like always, moved first and struck him with a pillow.

“You can’t just say that to someone! Even if it is Tsukishima!”

“Tsukki isn’t a bad person!” Yamaguchi plead, looking like he wanted to run after the blond.

“I didn’t say he was a bad person. I just wouldn’t want to be his soulmate is all.”

“Well it’s not like people can choose their soulmates!” Yamaguchi sputtered.

“Well I just wouldn’t choose Tsukishima if I could help it. It’s not like it matters.”

“Well what does your tattoo say Kageyama?”

With a sigh, Tobio pulled his shirt up to reveal the neat script along his ribs that was golden in color. It was way neater than his own handwriting and started near his side before moving towards his core.

“‘Maybe I want to die without any regrets’?” Hinata read carefully, brow furrowing as he focused on the pale lettering, “What do you think it means?”

“My mom said they’re probably a daredevil or a romantic.” Tobio answered, tugging his shirt back down.

“What do you think?”

“Doesn’t matter as long as they like volleyball.” Tobio shrugged.

Hinata immediately burst out laughing, curling up on the floor while their upperclassman rolled their eyes. “I can’t believe you actually said that!”

“It’s not like you don’t feel the same way, dumbass!” Tobio huffed, glaring at Hinata while he continued to laugh until there were tears in his eyes.

“But you said it out loud!”

Eventually everyone got fed up with their antics and made all the first years go to bed despite Tsukishima still being missing for the night. The blond turned up in the morning so he figured it wasn’t a big deal but even Hinata could tell he was exhausted.

Tsukishima seemed to be playing well enough but he was quiet throughout the day, not even speaking to Yamaguchi. It was weird that he wouldn’t say a thing and even refused to look at Tobio the whole day. It was almost more infuriating than when Tsukishima would toss both taunts and insults at him.

Tobio was always observant on the court so it wasn’t difficult to try being observant off the court as well. Maybe he could admit that what he said was harsh but nothing he had ever said before had bothered Tsukishima. He always just brushed it off with a condescending smirk, usually adding his own insult.

He never got along with Tsukishima but he didn’t necessarily hate him.

The two of them fought a lot but Tsukishima did actually try to help him pass his exams and made some efforts to be more polite. They still argued but it wasn’t malicious like when they first met.

Having Tsukishima be so quiet was unnerving.

Confronting him directly usually worked whenever he was dealing with the tall blond but he had never seen him behave the way he was right now. The best option would be to ask Yamaguchi so that’s what he’d do.

Once they were both in the cafeteria Tobio sat beside the freckled teen, brow furrowed as he focused on what he wanted to say.

“Kageyama? Why are you scowling?” Yamaguchi inquired.

“I’m not. And I wanted to ask about Tsukishima.”

“What about Tsukki? Did you two fight again?”

“No. He’s just being weird. Haven’t you noticed?” Tobio questioned.

“Well Tsukki is usually quiet anyways.” Yamaguchi shrugged, clearly stiff despite trying to pass of the response as causal.

“Not really. He always has something to say. This is weird.” Tobio insisted, scowl deepening as he looked for the tall blond.

Sighing, Tobio crushed his empty milk box before standing up. “Fine. I’ll just find him and ask myself.”

Before Yamaguchi could try to stop him, the setter walked out of the cafeteria in search of Tsukishima. They had always worked out their arguments before, mostly with help from their senpais.

Eventually he found Tsukishima beneath a tree outside. His headphones were on as he leaned back against the sturdy trunk of the tree, lips moving slightly with unspoken words. It was impossible to read what he was saying. You wouldn’t be able to tell he was moving at all if you didn’t look closer.

The scene felt weirdly intimate, so rather than interrupting Tobio just sat down in the grass. He was close enough that the shadow of the tree offered a welcome reprieve from the Tokyo sun. If Tobio reached out he could probably just touch Tsukishima and get him to wake up but he would be patient.

It felt like an eternity had passed when Tsukishima finally moved, looking at Tobio strangely. “Why are you here?”

“You’re being weird.” Tobio stated. What else could there be to it? Tsukishima not talking to him was weird and he definitely didn’t want it to cause more problems.

“I don’t think that’s your business.” Tsukishima bit back, jaw clenching as he stood. “It’s not affecting the team so I don’t see any reason for you to care.”

“Well you don’t need to be an ass about it.” Tobio huffed. Lashing back wasn’t usually what he did but Tsukishima got under his skin in the worst ways. “This is why no one likes you.”

“I don’t need you to remind me, _king_.”

Tsukishima’s voice became tight as his eyes went icy with their intensity. This wasn’t how Tobio had wanted their talk to go but he couldn’t help it when Tsukishima was just so infuriating all the time.

“Why do you always have to be like this? Can’t you just be nice for once?”

“It’s none of your concern. Leave me alone, Kageyama.” With that said Tsukishima left the setter behind as he walked to the gym.

  
“Asshole.” Tobio huffed to himself, glaring at the door Tsukishima had gone through. It was hardly his fault the blond was so stubborn all the time.

The practice matches flew by along with the training camp and Tobio refused to talk to Tsukishima throughout. It was obvious everyone was concerned about the increasing rift between them but if Tsukishima wanted to close himself off that wasn’t his problem.

Still, he couldn’t help the nagging feeling that this was _wrong_. He had no idea why but watching Tsukishima slowly close himself off from everyone was concerning. He was a shadow of himself in every way and sometimes Tobio even missed their banter.

He didn’t know if this feeling could be fixed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time for more angst lol. next chapter will have more from tsukki, my lovely, depressed french fry.


	3. Chapter 3

Kei knew he was being pathetic when he ignored his mom and brother upon returning home, but if his shoulders got any tighter he was pretty sure his arms would fall off or something equally dramatic. Normally hiding his emotions wouldn’t be a problem but he was exhausted and there was no hiding from his family. They were ridiculously overbearing and affectionate. Also too perceptive for Kei’s tastes.

Even now, he could hear them muttering down stairs while he pressed his face into the pillow. He kept the pillow tight against himself until his lungs protested the lack of air and he lifted his face to the side. He just wanted to lay in his bed forever after the whole ordeal. It was stupid but at least his bed didn’t hate him.

No, it was his _soulmate_ that hated him. And he was reminded of that everyday. Even when they didn’t interact his own brain was happy to replay that which had been said, repeatedly. Usually he would drown it out by blasting music through his headphones until everything was covered and he was left numb and empty.

Right now he didn’t. The silence in itself was deafening and he felt too sensitive for anything else. The world was too harsh so he removed his glasses and pressed the pillow to his eyes once more, leaving room for him to breathe.

He hated feeling like this. Like a fragile shell of who he normally was. Like he would disintegrate from an errant word or look. Finally opening his eyes again and removing the pillow he was met with a softer version of his room. With the lights and his glasses off, everything was illuminated by the faint shine of the moon streaming through his sheer curtains.

Maybe he could just never put his glasses on if it meant everything stayed soft and blurred. Then he wouldn’t have to see the looks of disgust from Kageyama, or anyone else for that matter. They’d probably all like him better that way but he had to keep up the false pretenses regardless.

He heard Akiteru knock on the door softly before opening it, “Hey Kei. How was camp?”

Lying to Akiteru was useless so Kei just groaned into his pillow and rolled over while his brother chuckled.

“That bad, huh?”

“I know who my soulmate is, nii-chan.” Kei sighed, looking at the wall while Akiteru’s fingers started carding through his hair.

“I’m going to assume it wasn’t a good thing. Do they know about you?”

“He doesn’t know and it’s probably better that way. He hates me, Akiteru.”

“Is he just someone you happened to rub the wrong way? You’re not exactly great at first impressions.”

“It’s worse than that.” Kei insisted, rolling over to look at Akiteru, “He legitimately can’t stand me.”

“Well, if this is something the two of you caused then the two of you might be able to fix it. You shouldn’t keep it a secret from him, Kei. Not like you’ll actually follow my advice.”

“I can’t just tell him we’re soulmates when he would rather see me dead, nii-chan! What kind of advice is that?”

“No need to be dramatic. I’m sure you’re making this up to be worse than it really is but no matter what I’m still here for you.”

“Ugh, don’t be an ass, nii-chan.”

“Then stop being a drama queen.”

Kei just rolled his eyes before shooing his brother out of the room. He was thankful for Akiteru giving him a sense of normalcy but things were still royally screwed. Kageyama still hated his guts and that wasn’t going to change so it was just easiest to keep his distance and his mouth shut.

School went by in a haze and despite avoiding Kageyama he was trying his best to improve as a volleyball player. He even started practicing with Akiteru and his local team in hopes of improving for the spring tournament.

To his own misfortune, Kei also asked Kuroo for some advice since the Nekoma captain demanded they exchange numbers. As much as the constant flurry of emojis and gushings about his relationship with Bokuto were annoying it was nice to talk to someone who was completely removed from his current dilemma.

Unfortunately, he learned that both Kuroo and Bokuto were disgustingly sappy and equally whipped for each other. He couldn’t really find himself to be jealous though since he never thought he’d have a relationship like that in the first place.

It was a good distraction while they all prepared for the spring tournament and it also kept Yamaguchi off his back for not talking to anyone on the team lately. He couldn’t make Kageyama hate him more if they never spoke to each other. It could also prevent him from figuring out that Kei was his soulmate.

He tried his best during the games and it was a shock to him when they actually ended up beating Seijou and advancing to the finals. He wasn’t really sure what to do with himself, knowing that they’d have to face Shiratorizawa.

The idea of facing off against a team like that made his skin crawl. He knew the team would be counting on him as their only dedicated blocker. The pressure was monumental and he wasn’t looking forward to it.

True to his expectations the game was long and difficult. He was still reeling from their win as he leaned over the bathroom sink and tried to ignore the throbbing pain radiating from his finger and down his wrist. Dark bruises were already appearing along his hands and forearms which he winced at.

Everything hurt, from his physical injuries to only being able to block a single spike despite the five set match. It was as if he had hardly even contributed to the game despite being on the court most of the time. It was frustrating beyond belief.

The door opening interrupted his thoughts as he looked up at the blurry figure, his glasses still sitting on the shelf above the sink.

“You played well.”

Ushijima was in here and now he was complimenting him?

“Thanks.” Tsukishima mumbled, placing his glasses back on his face, “I really didn’t do much, though.”

“I doubt your team would have been able to beat us without you.”

“That’s kind of you to say, Ushijima-san.”

“It’s just an honest observation.” Ushijima replied, stepping closer. “If it is alright I would like to speak to you more. I find you interesting.”

“Ah, are you sure?” Kei asked. Everything that happened felt too strange. Why would Ushijima care to even speak with him?

“Quite sure but it’s your choice. Do with this what you will.” Ushijima replied, giving him a piece of paper with his phone number on it before leaving Tsukishima alone to ponder what just happened.

When he finally joined the rest of the team he hardly responded to any of their questions or comments before collapsing into his seat on the bus. Adrenaline was starting to wear away, his hand throbbing more painfully than before. It was stupid to have played with an injury but he couldn’t help it.

For whatever reason Kageyama was glaring at him before he sat next to Kei on the bus seats. “You played well. But you better not practice until you hand’s healed up, dumbass.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Kei mumbled, eyes drifting closed against his will.

He heard Kageyama sigh, but the day was long and Kei was already drifting away from consciousness. He’d worry about it later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not really sure how to feel about this chapter but i hope you guys liked it


	4. Chapter 4

Wakatoshi was surprised when he received a text from Tsukishima the following day but pleased nonetheless. The Karasuno first year intrigued him throughout their match and he was interested in learning more about him. He was quiet for a first year and had a sharp tongue.

Talking to him was enjoyable even if their conversations seemed short-lived and boring. He’d feel unwanted if it wasn’t for the fact that Tsukishima initiated half of their conversations. Most of the time it was mundane talk about their friends and school life but it was nice. Tsukishima was funny as well which got some attention from Satori.

“Whatcha looking at, Toshi? Are you finally discovering memes?” The redhead questioned, head tilted slightly.

“Ah, no. Tsukishima is texting me about his teammates. He uses very colorful language.”

“That annoying Karasuno first year? He seemed like an asshole.”

“He’s interesting. He may be a little harsh but I don’t mind it so much.”

“So he is an asshole.”

“I guess, but I mostly find it entertaining. Apparently Hinata and Kageyama were arguing over the best kinds of meatbuns.”

“Obviously beef meatbuns are the best. What kind of argument is that?”

“Tsukishima says it doesn’t matter since meatbuns are inferior.”

“This kid is a little punk, huh?”

“He’s funny.” Wakatoshi insisted as Tsukishima let him know he was heading to practice.

“You have weird tastes Toshi but I’m glad you find something funny.”

“I’m sorry I don’t find your memes very amusing Satori. I like your farming puns though.”

“It’s fine. I can’t believe you think Tsukishima is funny though.”

“He just is.” Wakatoshi answered with a shrug, “I think I’ll ask if he’d like to meet up.”

“Ooh? You gonna have a date?” Satori teased, grinning and nudging at his arm.

“I don’t think a date would be fair to Tsukishima even if I wanted to. We just met and he does have a soulmate.”

“Well you deserve to be happy too ‘Toshi. Just because your soulmate died before you could meet them doesn’t mean you have to be alone.”

“I’m not alone, but thank you.” Wakatoshi answered, smiling softly as Tsukishima agreed to his invitation.

Meeting up with Tsukishima the following day proved to be a bit awkward at first but the two of them fell into an easy rhythm and spoke in their own hushed tones.

“I still can’t believe that we’re actually going to nationals, sometimes.” Tsukishima confided, looking down at his strawberry milk tea with a soft frown. “I never thought that such thoughtless enthusiasm would pay off but I guess it worked for Hinata and Kageyama.”

“I still stand by what I said after the match. You’re a key player in your team.”

Tsukishima snorted at that, expression turning bitter as he held out his bandaged right hand. “Yeah, well not right now.”

“I apologize for your injury. It was-”

“I swear if you apologize for it again I’ll smack you, injury be damned.” Tsukishima interrupted, glaring at Wakatoshi and waving him off. “People get injured during sports, it happens.”

“Your setter seemed pretty upset about it. He was glaring at me the entire time you were getting it taken care of.”

“Sugawara-san? He should know that accidents happen.”

“Ah, I meant Kageyama. He didn’t appreciate that you were injured.”

Tsukishima scoffed at that, playing with the straw of his drink as he considered the information. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but Kageyama hates me.”

“You two may antagonize each other but I doubt he hates you. There’s even soulmates that seem antagonistic at first glance like Oikawa and Iwaizumi.”

Tsukishima visibly stiffened at this, a deep frown etched into his features. “Either way it won’t be his problem for much longer.”

“Well I hope he comes to realize that you’re an interesting and talented person.”

“Why do you keep doing that?” The blonde was now looking at him, searching his face for answers.

“Doing what exactly?”

“You keep complimenting me. It’s like you’re trying to flirt which is pointless since we’re not soulmates.”

“I apologize if that’s how it seems. I never intended to flirt.” Wakatoshi answered, amused by the insinuation.

“I don’t even know why you would want to be around me. Wouldn’t you much rather be with your soulmate or looking for them?”

“My soulmate died a couple years ago.” Wakatoshi admitted, looking at the clouds as he recalled waking up with that feeling of dread. “I didn’t get the chance to meet them before it happened so it doesn’t bother me much. Maybe it’s better this way.”

Tsukishima seemed stunned by his confession as he fought to catch up with the new information. “I’m sorry to hear that, Ushijima-san.”

“You don’t need to be sorry for me. It’s something that couldn’t be helped but I hope others don’t have to experience the same thing.”

“I see. Thank you for being honest with me.”

“It was my pleasure.”

“Tsukishima? What are you doing here with Ushijima?” Kageyama was now in front of them, brow furrowed as he slowed down from his run to look at them.

“What does it matter to you?” Said blonde had tensed up when the setter called out to him, shoulders stiff and a frown on his features.

“I’m just wondering.” Kageyama pouted, “I didn’t expect to see you hanging out with someone. You never hang out with anyone except Yamaguchi.”

“Contrary to your beliefs I do have friends.”

“Well maybe try to make some on your own team instead of meeting up with rivals.” Kageyama huffed, arms crossed as he avoided eye contact with either of them.

“I’m leaving.” Tsukishima replied with a sigh, grabbing onto Wakatoshi’s sleeve and pulling them in the opposite direction. “I can never understand what his problem is. He has no right to act like that.”

“I can’t say anything for certain. I don’t know him very well.”

“Well it doesn’t matter. Sorry about that.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I appreciate you spending time with me today.” Wakatoshi insisted, leading Tsukishima towards a quiet park. “If anything I might have caused a misunderstanding from being present.”

“It’s not your fault he’s being stuck up. Just forget it.”

Ushijima nodded in agreement, enjoying the quiet atmosphere. Tsukishima was absorbed in his own thoughts as he continued to twirl and tug on the straw of his mostly empty milk tea.

So far he could tell the blonde had a tendency to overthink both on and off the court. This trait tended to be valuable in players and made for the most observant teammates but as people they were troubled with their own overbearing thoughts.

“Do you like strawberry?” Wakatoshi asked, disturbing Tsukishima from his thoughts.

“I do. Strawberry shortcake is my favorite food actually.”

The two of them chatted in the park for a while before Wakatoshi took Tsukishima home before returning himself only to be faced with Satori.

“So how was your date with blondie?”

“It wasn’t a date but it was interesting. We ran into his setter.”

“The angry looking one?”

“Yes, Kageyama Tobio.”

Satori hummed for a moment before settling on a thought nodding, “Yeah, him and blondie had some major tension on the court. I wonder what’s up with those two.”

“I’m not sure but Tsukishima seemed uncomfortable around him.”

“Well whatever. Read the new issue of Jump with me.”

Wakatoshi nodded in agreement, sitting down on the bed. He’d put the issue aside for now but there was definitely more there to be examined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is late because my laptop charger broke and I had to order a new one :/ Hope it's worth the wait for you guys. Thanks!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is where things get heavy. This chapter has a lot to do with depression and suicide so if that bothers you please don't read. This isn't the last chapter though (=｀ω´=)

Watching Tsukishima ended up becoming a weird hobby for Tobio after running into him hanging out with Ushiwaka. Not in a weird stalker way but just when they happened to be around each other. He hoped that if he watched him enough then maybe he could figure out what was going on in Tsukishima’s head. 

That was how he’d learned more about volleyball after all. He had watched and then put those observations to the test so maybe it would work on Tsukishima as well. He didn’t want to keep screwing things up with the blond.

So he waited and squashed down the part of him that burned when he thought of Tsukishima laughing and having fun with Ushijima. He didn’t have the right to be jealous. He wasn’t a boyfriend or even a friend so he buried those emotions immediately. 

While he still wasn’t sure about repairing whatever was broken between them he did learn a lot in his observations. 

He hadn’t thought much of it until he found himself recalling stupid things he had noticed like that Tsukishima had a weird tan line from his glasses or that there were really light freckles on the nape of his neck. Whenever Tsukishima was nervous he’d fidget with his hands. Usually just tugging at his fingers but a lot of the time he’d adjust his glasses as well. 

Tobio also tried using his observations whenever they played together which seemed to catch the blond off guard more than once. It was like the blond hadn’t expected direct communication from his but it seemed to be helping so Tobio continued to just be as clear as he could. 

Which is how he found himself being cornered by Tsukishima in the club room after everyone had started heading home.

“Why are you being so weird?” Tsukishima was frowning at him but he also seemed stiff in his shoulders.

“We weren’t getting along before and I didn’t like that so I wanted to try to have us work together better.”

Disgust flashed across Tsukishima’s face before he backed out of Tobio’s personal space, “Of course it’s about volleyball.”

Now Tobio was the one frowning as he stepped closer, “We’re teammates whether we like that or not so yeah it applies in volleyball but it’s not just that. I’m not really good at much besides volleyball anyways.”

“Our personal relationship doesn’t matter then, King.” Tsukishima sneered while Tobio felt like he was missing something.

“It does when you won’t even look at me half the time! I don’t know what I did wrong anymore!”

“Just leave me alone. You’re just going to end up disappointed.” Tsukishima was quieter now, looking fragile as he curled in on himself. 

  
“You’re always like this.” Tobio sighed, “You can’t just decide everything on your own, dumbass. I thought you were at least getting better about talking to us on the court.”

“This isn’t like volleyball. It’s not a team effort and it can’t be fixed by some amazing strategy or skill. Just leave me be.” Tsukishima insisted before leaving Tobio alone in the club room. 

Tobio resumed his watching after that since Tsukishima was speaking to him even less if that was possible. He didn’t even make jabs at Hinata or Tanaka most of the time. He seemed like a shell and Tobio was desperate to know what could possibly going on in his head.

It was sad to watch and he was even brushing off Yamaguchi most of the time. Telling his friend he was fine before shooing him off and telling him to spend time with Yachi. 

The way Tsukishima watched them was hard to decipher. He seemed happy for his best friend but lonely. Tobio felt the urge to comb his fingers through blond locks, the thought surprising him while his face heated up. 

There must be something wrong with him if he was thinking of comforting Tsukishima in such an intimate way. He tried to push the thoughts away but could only wonder if the blond curls were as soft as they looked. 

So he was gay. That wasn’t surprising to Tobio but his recent thoughts about Tsukishima were getting progressively more sappy which wasn’t normal for him. There was a huge difference between finding Tsukishima attractive and wanting to see what it would feel like to hold hands.

These thoughts only served to put him in a bad mood since he wouldn’t be able to actually hold hands with Tsukishima. There was no chance of him ever getting that close to the blond. He just wondered what it would be like while he watched everyone get pushed away.

He was both relieved and irritated by Tsukishima being in contact with Ushijima so he just constantly berated himself for the jealousy. It was good to see him speaking to someone even if he was becoming increasingly worried about the blond. 

Getting woken up by his cell phone around three in the morning was completely unexpected. Most of the people who had his number preferred to text and usually didn’t text him anyways. Leaving the phone unanswered crossed his find for a moment before he sighed and picked up, squinting at the illumination.

“Hello?” Tobio mumbled, voice gruff with sleep.

“Ah, sorry to interrupt your sleep.” 

Hearing Tsukishima’s voice quietly drifting through the receiver jolted him from his half asleep state as he sat up with a furrowed brow, “Tsukishima? Why are you calling me at three am?”

“I can go if you’d like. I don’t really know why i’m calling either.” Tsukishima confessed with a sigh, “I’m kind of an idiot, huh?”

There was something weird about Tsukishima’s voice that inspired a feeling of dread in Tobio’s chest, “You’re probably the smartest person I know. What’s going on?”

He heard a ruffling of clothing, most likely the blond shrugging, before a steadying breath was drawn, “I think Yamaguchi would disagree. I can be a pretty big idiot.”

“Well then stop and just tell me what’s going on.”

“I just thought you deserved to know some things. Like it’s not your fault that I was avoiding you. It was a decision I made. Probably the worst decision.”

“Then stop.” Tobio frowned, it was unlike Tsukishima to be indirect. This entire situation was making the hairs on his neck rise. 

Tsukishima just hummed quietly in response though it was mostly lost to the sound of wind. Why was he outside?

“Tell me where you are. You’re acting weird.” 

“It doesn’t matter. I won’t be up here for much longer anyways.” The way Tsukishima said this phrase sounded  _ wong _ on his ears. 

“Just tell me where you are, dumbass.” Tobio grunted, throwing his covers off and pulling his shoes on. “I swear I’ll run all over the prefecture if you don’t tell me.”

“I bet you would. Just uh, listen for a bit please.” Tsukishima shifted again, readjusting his phone, “I know I’m an asshole and really hard to get along with. I don’t really blame you for how we started off since it’s my fault. I’m still surprised that you wanted to fix things between us anyways.”

“Why are you telling me this? This isn’t like you.” Tobio frowned, running outside despite being in his pajamas still and wondering where to start looking.

“Maybe I want to die without any regrets.” Tsukishima’s words were like a punch in the gut, knocking the wind out of him.

Tobio could only stare while he fought for coherency, “You….”

“I’m sorry for not saying anything before. You were right though, I’m not really suited to be anyone’s soulmate.” Tsukishima’s voice cracked as he spoke, breathing uneven. 

“Don’t be an idiot. I say stupid things too.” Tobio was panicking now. He had to keep Tsukishima on the line.

“Sorry, Kageyama. Maybe you can find someone better.” 

The line went dead and Tobio’s feet felt glued to the ground while his heart beat erratically. He had to be imagining this. There was no way any of us this could be real. 

Getting over his initial shock Tobio tried redialing the number only to hear it go straight to voicemail. Dread was seeping into his blood and his head was filled with too many questions so he did what he could do. He ran.

**Author's Note:**

> So this will be my first multi-chaptered fic for hq so all aboard the angst train to fuck-that-ville. I tweaked the traditional soulmate thing so feel free to ask for more details.


End file.
